Into the World of Addiction

Everyone knows that the drug addiction rates on Long Island are incredibly concerning. But there is something that I have come to realize upon thinking about addiction, for those of us who do not know or understand that world, we do not know what is really happening. From doing my own research, and learning, I have come to realize that addiction is not just a hole that someone who has so much just falls into immediately. 

Drug addiction is in fact a section of a mental health issue. Whether or not you want to believe it, the addiction is not just the addiction, just like how one person does not just have one issue with their mental health. It is the core of the mental illness that leads one to use drugs as self medicating and treating. It allows the person to feel euphoric, to forget all of their problems, and have (in their minds) an ultimate feeling of power. But, from what I have learned, the ultimate feeling of euphoria only lasts for 30% of the time. 

The process to obtain the drug, to find the money, to think about the things they are trying to hide, the inability to look at themselves in the mirror and feel happiness, these are all things that people who are addicted struggle with 80% of the time. These people are on a serious track of debate every single day, every single hour. It is either be drunk and high, or be dead in some cases. 

I have asked an anonymous source to tell me her experience with addiction, she was so kind to write everything in detail. This past may she has hit her two years of sobriety, which is absolutely incredible. If you are reading this right now, and you are struggling with addiction, keep in mind that the following is from a girl who has been able to get herself out of her addiction. She has been able to hit two years of sobriety. She is working in a hospital, and plans on continuing her education. She is constantly living in the now, and embracing her life as a sober person happily. If she can do it, you can do it too. So here it goes:

1. I wanted to know how she felt mentally. Did she always struggle with her emotions? Did she recognize she may have been a bit different from her peers? Did she struggle day-to-day?

 "From a young age, now that I look back, I showed a bunch of isms. An ism is a state of mind, and a state of being. Like alcohol-ism. As a young girl I was a narcissist, selfish, and I thought everything was always about me. I would walk into a room, thinking I was the center of attention. For example, I cared so much of what others thought about me, that I made myself insane. I constantly thought people were judging me. I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I struggled with constant depression, thinking i was never good enough, I thought no one wanted to be my friend, so I ended up isolating myself. Growing up I competed in dance, but these internal issues showed up in my dancing. I always felt like the worst dancer on the team, and because of this I thought none of my team members wanted to be around me. But all of this was in my head. This is what led me to become an addict and an alcoholic, the substances took away these insecurities, and took away the non stop thoughts of feeling less than and not a part of.  I thought when I used these feelings just magically went away. In reality they were still there, but the substances masked them and made me not care. "

2. Did you struggle with anxiety?

"I have really bad anticipatory anxiety. This means I was constantly thinking about what could happen in the future. In recovery I have learned to train my mind to think in the moment, and enjoy the now!! I learned that I cannot relive and change the past, nor can I just expect what is going to happen in the future, you cannot sit on your past, and you cannot predict the future. When I was using, I had very vivid dreams, they were a huge trigger for me, and I experienced them daily. I was escaping my reality with the use, so these dreams gave me anxiety good or bad, because I was trying not to think at all. During my active addiction, I put myself in really bad situations, I have been robbed, left/abandoned/alone in parking lots hours from my house, raped, and almost sold to human trafficking. These things have left me with PTSD. I was not able to look at myself in the mirror fully aware that I put myself in these situations. I lost myself along the way, the person who I was, and the person I was becoming, were two different people. My body's way of coping was to just shut myself down, so I would become extremely quiet, at times it was easier that way."

3. What was the first drug you experimented with? How did it make you feel? Did it make all the "bad feelings" go away? 

To me, a drug is anything mind or mood altering. Anything that gets me out of myself. I first started drinking alcohol in high school, but I did not enjoy it because I was constantly aware of my surroundings, or have coherent thoughts. When I put that first drug in my system, I physically and mentally could not stop. It is like my body has an allergic reaction to drugs and alcohol even if I didn't want to use or drink. This phenomenon caused me to use and drink against my will. It is the insanity of addiction, even though I did not like to drink, I still did it. My drug of choice ended up being heroin. A boy I was dating introduced me to it, and it was the first time I fell in love in my entire life. My brain was quiet, and I was o.k. with me. At the time I felt like if I did this every day, I would be o.k. in life. I was not very experienced with drugs, and I did not realize how addictive it was. All I knew was that I loved the feeling. "

4. How did your addiction start?

"You always hear how people progress from pills to heroin. For me, I just went straight to heroin. I was a "weekend warrior" for about 8 months and I was not physically dependent yet. I snorted a few bags here and there, but I never could have imagined how bad and dark my life would get. At my worst I was shooting up to 40-50 bags a day in my neck. I over dosed countless times, I stole from everyone (my mothers jewelry, from my dad's wallet, and stores). I flipped my car, and put myself in terrible situations, just so that I could get the next one. I was arrested six times in five months,  and the craziest part was that I thought my life was actually manageable and that I was o.k.. That just shows you the insanity of this disease. The boyfriend who introduced me to heroin passed away from an over dose. I was engaged to him at the time. Addiction took everything from me. I felt like a prisoner in my own body. I could not stop, and I did not know how to, I begged God every minute to just help me to stop."

5. Is it easy to get a hold of? Is it expensive? What is the process?

"When I was using it was easier for me to find heroin than it was for me to find weed. It was very easy to get a hold of, I had more than one dealer. At first I had a job, and I had money flowing in, but when my addiction got out of control, I lost my job and was using three times the amount than when I started. I actually was caught shop lifting at stores, I would steal  items, make returns, and go to pawn shops with the gift cards for cash. It was a job with in itself, I had to do this every day in order to get the money to support my habit. I sold all the jewelry in my house, and at the end in my darkest days of my addiction, I started selling my body. I had no choice, otherwise I would get deathly ill from withdrawals. At the end, I was not even high anymore, I needed the drugs to get up in the morning and function. Like one needs food, water, and shelter, I needed drugs to survive. Everything i did to get money, even if i hated it, was a necessity for me to live. It felt like I was just existing and not living anymore. I met my dealer 2-3 times a day, I was unable to do anything with out my heroin. Waiting in my car in the winter, with no heat, for two to three hours a day with 20$ in my pocket became my life."

6. What were your experiences with alcohol? Did it become excessive along with the drugs? Did you have to stop drinking alcohol? What are your thoughts on weed?

" I personally never drank while doing drugs. But for many that is their story. I decided I was going to stop drinking all together. I believe that alcohol is also drug, along with anything mood or mind altering. I do not want any of that in my system. I feel the same about marijuana. For me, since I never liked to do these things, they are more socially acceptable. If I relapsed on alcohol or weed, it would bring me back to my drug of choice. My mind is clouded if i drink alcohol or have weed, and my decision making would not be the best, I might get the idea that it would be o.k. for me to do heroin just one more time, but in reality I would repeat my story. I cannot just do a drug once because I have an allergy. If i go back to my drug of choice, i might not be lucky enough to make it back. People are dying of heroin, so I am trying my best to keep my addiction at bay. My addiction tells me it is ok to drink and smoke weed, but it might not be ok. Today I am bigger than my addiction.

7. What was it like sobering up? Did you have the shakes and relapses? Was it hard?

"Getting sober was by far the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had to change my entire perspective of life, change everything. I had to take action because I learned I am the problem, not the drugs. The drugs were my solution. I had to physically remove myself from the drugs and alcohol and send myself to Florida for two months. There I learned how to live again. I was terrified of everything with out drugs in my system, I even freaked out when I was pumping gas into my car. When I physically removed myself from the drugs I learned I had a spiritual malady, and I was trying to fill this God sized void in my chest with substances. Instead of praying and just doing the next right thing. I stay sober by helping others today, and being thoroughly honest with myself. Today I learned I have so much more fun sober than my best day drunk and high. Today I have a purpose. My first few months sober I had constant drug dreams, and was had obsessing thoughts about using. But after I took action I am free from that obsession. I take it one day at a time, and today I am sober for two years. I have not relapsed, I try to hear about other stories and listen to people who have relapsed, and take their suggestions. Their story does not have to be mine."

8. What was your wake up call from using? What made you say enough is enough?

"I wanted to stop way before I actually did, but I was forced to stop through the court system. This was a blessing in disguise. I never knew how to stop, or that there was a solution that worked. The court sent me to rehab for two months and then mandated for me to go to a sober house for 13 months. I turned 21 in sobriety and I did not have to use or drink, and that was a miracle. After I realized that I was the problem, I came to notice that I liked who I am. I learned different tools such as meditation, which could be as simple as listening to music, or spending 15 minutes outside. I learned to talk to other sober woman, and have a good supportive sober network. I learned to try to help people to the best of my ability and to try to not harbor resentment. Resentment takes me back to my sick mind, ego, pride, and selfishness, it all comes out really quick. I am constantly trying to be a better person, and I believe that is what is keeping me sober today, because I know if i do not do these things, I will pick up again. I do not want to go back to a life of constant pain and regret."

Addiction is everywhere, and becoming addicted is really easy. When you can find drugs so easily, it is not hard to become hooked and to hurt your life. It is never too late to get help, if she can get through her addiction, you can get through yours.