A Personal Encounter With Addiction and Illness *MAY BE TRIGGERING*

                                                         
                                                         *TRIGGER WARNING*

If you are this person, you understand the title completely. But if you are not a person like this, there will be some explanation involved. In my life time, I have dealt with many addictions. Some of which including self-harm, laxative abuse, going to the gym, alcohol abuse, marijuana abuse, I was even addicted to spending my time with people who helped me destroy my life, to name a few. But I have gained control over my life, and stopped a lot of the madness that I used to harm myself with. But there are some points in life, where you try your hardest to stay away from what used to make you feel comfortable, you try to do whatever you can to not give in. But we are all made imperfectly, and no recovery is ever a straight angle upwards.

It is going to take a lot of courage for me to write this, but I know that someone somewhere is dealing with this exact same issue. But what kind of role model am I if I don't expose my weakness? If I only show my upsides and never show my down sides? I can harbor my thoughts, keep them to myself, but I know in my heart that it would hurt me to hold it all in. So, if you are someone who is dealing with a relapse, you might understand how I am feeling right now. When someone comes up to me, and asks me why I used to self-harm. My answer was, "I didn't want to be here anymore. I hated who I was. I hated who I become. No one was around to support me. I was on a dance team filled with about 16 girls, and not one asked me what was going on with the cuts on my arm. I was alone. It was partially a cry for help, but also a place for me to feel anything at all. When I hurt myself after screaming, crying, so loudly alone in my dorm room, everything just became quiet. There was calm, and I would just watch the blood poor out of me."

But oddly enough, the more that I relapse, the more that I come to understand who I am and why I do the things that I do. I learned that when I am asked to but on a show, to lie to the world, and say that I am alright with a situation or I am cool being around this person, is another reason why I hurt myself. That same feeling of being alone, and needing to feel something, was caused partially because I had to pretend that I was a happy dancer, dancing at all the football and basketball games. I had to pretend that I was okay with all of the girls on the team being friends, and not one person really being my friend. I had to pretend like I was receiving the proper nutrition, I had to pretend like I did not have serious thoughts of killing myself the night before. I realized this, when my friend told me that one of her friends that I have not-so-great feelings towards was coming to a party. She kind of said "warning this person is coming" I responded with "fabulous" she responds with "this is my closer friend too so of course they'll be there and you'll have to deal with it" basically. I was thinking of all of the possible ways that I could pretend and just be o.k. with her presence being around. I was thinking of ways to hold my anger, and to not confront her with the fact that because of how she was, and because of the things that she did to me, my spiral became more of a turbo blast roller coaster that went straight down the rabbit hole. She took away someone who I had loved as a sister since middle school. For whatever personal reasons she had, she did it. To face someone who treated me so harshly again, after three years of not seeing her, was so scary. On top of that I had to put on the facade that I promised myself that I would never do again. I learned that when I am asked, or forced, to act in one way but completely do not agree, I wear that burden on my sleeve.

After relapsing I had a lot of anxiety, but I also learned more about who I am and why I do the things that I do. So I decided to break free from the hiding, the lying and to just act as how I feel. But in doing so I some how still hurt myself in the end. Whenever there is alcohol involved, things that are emotional can get sticky. But I stuck to what I had learned, and I tried to carry that on my shoulders and instead of burying it deep down, and wearing it on my sleeve later. Some people are angry drunks, that's unfortunate but true. I for one am not one of them. Alcohol is a depressant, and in turn, makes me a lot more depressed than I already could be. Which is why I stopped drinking alcohol for 2 years. But I learned that even when you think you have gotten over your phase of sadness and that you will be able to handle yourself, you still have to be careful. As I was trying to stop the angry drunk from not doing great things and I was trying to encourage by saying "I understand you feel this way but you have to be the bigger person because we are adults", I may have done more harm than good unintentionally. Whenever I get anxiety, or sad, I like to be in tight corners by myself, this way no one can see me, nor can I see them. I become invisible in my mind and everything is o.k.. Some people don't understand that, and try to calm me down. But in the past, when I had anxiety, I only had myself. I didn't have someone to sit there and try and calm me down. Which makes everything worse, because I am used to being alone. After purging twice and scratching my arms deeply, I fell asleep from being so tired mentally from all of the stress.

Even if you are with someone who understands addiction,  if they were not with you for the year that you almost gambled your life away, they might not understand how you work or how you operate. Everyone is different, and that is o.k.. But I did a few things to myself that were not o.k.. I allowed myself to enter an environment that was not good for me, I allowed myself to endure pain in anticipation to lie about my feelings, I bottled up all my emotions until I couldn't handle it anymore and I bursted in tears. These were all things that I knew shouldn't be doing, but did it anyway. I have learned that I can not be involved in certain situations around certain people, because lying is not worth in exchange for my life. I learned that when I have good intentions, they can be read in the wrong ways, and that is not my fault nor anyone's fault. But I have also learned that even though I did not wan to wake up today, I still did. Even if I don't want to wake up tomorrow, I still will. My illness will make me think like that. Horrible thoughts. But I know better. I know that my life is absolutely beautiful and I know that I am stronger than the trial that the devil gave me. As a result, I have experience to give and that is why I am here. I have the ability to spread all of my knowledge to people who need it.

Addiction, relapse, depression, eating disorders, anxiety, is a horrible trial in life that I face. But I am here, I am standing, and I am moving on to my next trial in life. I learn through my illness. If I did not go through what I have been through, who knows where I would be in life and what kind of person I would be today. My illness has made me kind, inspiring, creative, friendly, sympathetic, understanding and everything else that I am. One relapse will not hurt. A relapse means that you ARE trying and eventually you WILL win.

If you need to talk to someone about your illness or addiction, you can email me at
questionseileenconnolly@gmail.com
or use the following links:
Suicide prevention hot line: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Eating disorder hot line:https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline
Addiction hot line: https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/alcohol-abuse/alcohol-hotline/#gref

Stay safe, stay strong, you are worthy to be here. I trust in you.