Overcoming a Past Abusive Relationship

Hi. My name is Eileen, and I was a victim of an abusive relationship.

This is the first step. Something that should be so simple to say, is not. Everyone has their own way of coping, and moving past their period of abuse. For some, it is simple, for others (like me), it is not that simple. I am writing to show you my steps of moving on from my past abuser. My way is not the exact path to follow, we all have our trial and errors. But, this first step seems to be universal: being able to say you have been romantically abused.

There seems to be some sort of stigma against people like me, who have stayed in an abusive relationship for almost five years. There are those people who say "why didn't you just leave???". Unfortunately, when you are tossed in such a lethal situation at the age of 13, not only was there almost no way out, I thought this is what a relationship was. It did not matter how many times my friends (from the limited time I was allotted to be with them), would tell me how wrong this was, I could not see all of the wrong. The only wrong that I could see, was what I THOUGHT I did wrong.

There is more that is beyond what friends and family see in an active abusive relationship. So much more. It is up to you to recognize all of the wrong. Not just what your friends, and family are telling you is wrong. But, all the wrong. The entirety of your abuse. In order for you to recognize any step of recovering from this, you must say that you are a victim.

You are a victim. You did not ask for your maltreatment. You did not ask for all the material things that were bought as apologetic gifts. You did not ask for him to get physical in many ways. You did not ask for him to scream at you in a tone that is unidentifiable. You did not ask to not see your friends anymore. You did not ask to cry every day. You did not consent to any of this. None of this was your fault.

You did not cause the violence, the non consensual stuff, the yelling, the isolation. This was not you. This came through a mind of manipulation. A cruel mind. A mind that needs help.

For years, I was told that I was the reason for everything that had happened to me. Years later, I was still the reason for what had happened. The difference between me now, and the me back then, is that I am able to say, "no, I was a victim of your abuse". I was able to make a recent scary situation, turn into saving myself. I stood in front of a court room and said: "Hi, my name is Eileen, and I am a victim of an abusive relationship".

Unfortunately, getting out of the relationship is the first step. But, being in a relationship with someone with such a cruel mind, the abuser often has this focus on you. Especially if you are the first one, like I was. For him, everything led back to me. Every failed relationship after me, traced back to me. The lies were still told. The yelling never stopped. The obsessive questions never stopped. I had this constant fear of, "when will he come back?". The nightmares took a while to stop. The trauma episodes took a while to stop. But, eventually, it did.

When you are in the relationship, you are constantly being manipulated. All the time, every single day. When you get out of it, you might relapse, and feel like the only way you will ever be with someone is your abuser. But, that is not true. That is when you have to repeat in your mind that you are a victim.

You are a victim.
You are a victim.
You are a victim.

When he comes back, repeat:

I am a victim.
I am a victim.
I am a victim.

When he comes back, say no. You are in the process of overcoming you trauma. You are claiming who you are. With that, comes saying what you were not able to say for such a long time to your abuser. NO.

This one simple line, empowers you. This one simple line enables you to say NO.

If you are in, or getting out of an abusive relationship, here are a list of hotlines you can call to get help. Or, to just simply talk to someone:
https://www.thehotline.org/
https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help
https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help
https://ncadv.org/get-help