I Empowered Myself Before it Became a Trend
I have wanted to write about this topic for a long time now. But I only just gained the courage to write about this, and feel confident in doing so. I empowered myself before empowering women became a trend. I made myself strong by myself. I spoke out against my abusive relationship when no one was speaking out about anything. I did that. The picture above describes who I am. I try my best to inspire others all of the time, I put myself first and work on me daily, my brain likes to side in negative thoughts but I try with every part of my energy to dodge that, I dodge the negativity from people every single day, and in doing so, I still have a deans list gpa, volunteer as much as I want, and do everything I enjoy. But do not get any of this twisted. I was not always like this.
It was October of 2016. I resided at the University at Buffalo where I went to school. I was what you would call, the most happy someone could be with a horrible past, and absolutely no therapy. I was dressed and ready for a football game, my hair was done nicely, and I looked as how I was supposed to... A glorified doll of a dancer. I was happy. I did not have any anxiety, no worries, just focused on the upcoming game. That was until I checked my phone. The abusive ex boyfriend (whom I actually went to school so far away to run away from) texted me. He screamed at me through the messages. Calling me all sorts of names. I started to get nervous. My anxiety was starting to kick in. The PTSD of how his voice would sound (which is currently playing in my head as I write this) was going through my head. My face was getting hot and sweaty, which of course upset me as it would ruin my make up. But there was a little tiny piece of strength, that I did not know I even had. There was a small part of me, that said NO. NO. NO. NO. "You are NOT being quiet anymore. You are no longer tied to him. You are in Buffalo. The reason why he is screaming at you is because you warned his current girl friend that he is not good. So why stop there? WHY BE QUIET. BE LOUD. BE HEARD. Show that through out high school you were not just quiet and to yourself all the time for the hell of it." I think from the adrenaline kicking in, from the happiness I gained from that little piece of strength... I was not quiet about his abusive behavior. I was LOUD. How does someone become loud about abusive behavior? Or anything at all? Social media. I decided I was not going to see this, and take this in alone. So, I screen shotted all of it. I wrote that this message yelling, cursing, everything, was not the worse of it. This was him being tamed. And boy. Were people shocked and angry. But I was not quiet. I was LOUD.
I went about my day like nothing happened. I danced at the game, did everything I needed to and acted as though I did not have a panic attack and publicly showed that for so many years of my life I was silenced. I empowered myself. I spoke up against him, I did exactly what he did not want me to do. Unfortunately, at the time, being empowered and being a strong woman was not on anyone's mind nor was it the current trend. So I was in fact alone through it even though people saw the true colors of this person... the slight true colors. But, I was alone. In a place where I did not have friends. For those few hours I felt like I did good for me.
That was until he read it. No one knows this part of the story. You see, he did not take well to me speaking out against his wrath against me all the time. Honestly, he never took well to anything that I did. So, he called me. I got scared. I have been scared of him before. But I was scared because I was alone in a place that is familiar but also is not. I tried to not answer. But after the third phone call my strength started to fall from underneath my hands. I answered. I have heard him yell before. I have heard him scream before. Those things were not new. What was new, was the unrestrained, undeniably huge wrath of anger. I have never felt more afraid of him than I did in that moment. The fact that I exposed him was enough to make him go ballistic and a million. He said that if I did not take it down, he would have me arrested. He said that if I did not take it down he was going to make me. He said his mom was already about to call the police. He said he hired a private investigator to watch me. I had never been more terrified. I had a panic attack times 10000000000000000. I cried. I apologized. I apologized as much as I used to to him... even more. I took it down. I felt weak. I felt like the anti-hero. I felt like instead of being a motivator and trying to prevent this from happening to other people I was the villain. I felt like the bad person. Fast forward to today... he still contacts me or whoever it is that I am in relation with once a year at least.
I have a lot of PTSD, anxiety, panic attacks, everything you could probably name from this relationship. But now I am trying to look at what I tried to do. I am remembering the way that I felt when I exposed him. It felt unbelievably good. You see I grew up in the age where the matriarchy was still present, and only recently did the "I am a strong woman" attitude come out. But I believe I am a different kind of strong. I believe that I am strong in bringing awareness before it was a trend, I am strong that I spoke out, even though it was a few hours, I am strong that instead of beating myself to the ground I am alive, I am strong in the fact that I fought with my mind so much on this that I no longer get recurring nightmares about him. I am strong because I did all of that on my own. I am strong, because I recognize that I am weak. Typing this is not easy. Talking about anything at all relating to what really went on while we were together always makes me cry. I do not talk about this often. I empowered myself before being empowered became a common trend. I decided that accepting this behavior was wrong and that I did not have to do this alone before the #metoo movement became a real thing. I did that without any support at all.
Being empowered should not be a trend. You cannot be strong with out recognizing that you are weak. There is a difference in empowering yourself, than acting as though you are empowered because that is what everyone is doing right now. I know there is a girl out there reading this right now that wants to speak out but she feels like if she does he will hurt her. I am speaking directly to you. Speak out. Be LOUD. Be LOUDER than I was. Do it. And do it well. Take control of your life. Do not let him or her drive you to solitude. Most importantly, do it with dignity. Keep your dignity. Because that person is holding your dignity in their hands and they are squeezing it like its a piece of play-doh. Do not join a movement. Every case is not the same. Do it for you. YOU. YOUR STORY. YOUR EXPERIENCE. YOUR LIFE. Do not conform.
If you are in an abusive relationship and need any kind of help, here are some helpful links:
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