It is Remission, Not Recovery

 

        When ever I think about my journey with recovery, my mind always leads back to this picture. I found this picture, way before recovery was even a viable option in my life. Ever since, this image has been engraved into my mind. I don't even really like to call where I am at in life recovery, because that word means there will be an end to all of it, and you'll just be back to "normal" what ever that word even means. But that is not true. You are not sent out on the road to recovery and years and years later you are finally "O.K.". That just does not exist. I call it remission. I have learned that I can silence the thoughts in my head, I have learned ways to cope in healthy ways, I have learned more about who I am as a person. But I am sure as hell not recovered. Honestly, I do not think anyone is ever fully recovered. Because even though we develop all of these skills which can lead us to a better life, that mental illness is still there, it is just silenced. There are times where I can completely wake up in the morning and just tell my brain "not today, because Eileen is freaking amazing". But then there will be times where all I want to do is to stay in bed, because every day I feel an unbearable sense of loneliness all of the time. I could be in a room full of people who care about me and I will still feel like there is no one there and that I am alone. 

    Some people don't have these feelings of loneliness, and I find those people lucky. Some people get those feelings even though they are completely and utterly surrounded by so many people who care about them, which annoys my bones, but I never judge other peoples feelings. But then there are people like me, who hate being alone, who hate the feelings of loneliness, but at the same token, have no friends.  I have a hard time getting close to people, and when I do I push them away just as fast as they get close to me. It's annoying, but it is how my brain, and my life, works. I want to have friends, I want to be able to talk to people, I want to be able to meet someone who I might think I can be romantically involved with, and not push them away. But unfortunately I have not been able to find the person who wants to help me, and can see past my faults, and stop  me pushing all kinds of people away, because I am worth it enough to them. And that is O.K.. 

       I know that one day I will find my person. I know that God did not keep me here this long for no reason. I know that when I am placed with the right people I will be able to break free of my habits. I know that I have done so much behind this computer screen and in front of your computer screen that it is not my time, and my time will not come for a while. I know this, because whenever I get a new idea for positivity and mental health to be posted my dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins really get that smile going in my brain without any depression medications in there. I have learned that if I have urges to self harm, I can draw butterflies, stick my head in a bucket of ice water, meditate, journal. When I want to take laxatives I can take a different kind of vitamin every time, spread out those nutrients. When I don't want to eat, I remind myself that in my future I want to be able to have kids. So even if I spread out healthy snacks something is still being entered into my body. If there are times where I just don't want to be here, I think about this, I think about the influence I have made on people, I think about how God does not want me to leave the world right now and there is probably a reason for that, I think about all of the things in life that I still need and want to accomplish. 

      But those are extremes. Some people may not have extreme feelings like those that cycle in their mind, some people who get depressed just feel so down, but don't hurt themselves, or are past that area in their life and want a different way to cope with their feelings of just sadness. Luckily, I can help with that too. Here are ten great things you can do with your time instead of laying down sad :)

1. Get out of bed and stop sleeping

2. Go for a walk breathe in the fresh air

3. Be in the sun

4. Write, in a journal (or in a blog :P)

5. There has got to be one person or animal that loves you more than you love yourself (mine is my pup max) go and hug that thing so tightly.

6. knit/craft/color

7. meditate

8. Read, all reading is knowledge. Even if you are reading Harry Potter, maybe you are learning something new about yourself or about the author or a favorite character. Activate your mind in a healthy way.

9. Pray

10. Unfollow all of the people who make you feel like your life is poop, or not worthy enough. Because my friend, those people are posting the fake part of their lives where they will only let you see them being happy, and it will take them at least 1 hour to take just the perfect selfie, let alone find the perfect caption to post. That stuff is so toxic and totally not needed. Pattie from High School might have an apartment in NYC being all happy in the fashion scene, but is she really happy or is she developing a new addiction? Hey, ya never know!!

    We all get down sometimes, my lows tend to be lower than most peoples, but I have used this tips to try and combat my feelings. I struggle, but I get there. I try to not hide behind medication, hence, I am not on medicine. I want to be me, and by doing so I need to find ways to cope so that I can be me and not feel like a robot. Find ways to help you, to better you, because you might be sad right now, but if you do something you regret not only will it make you more sad, but it may have just taken away the good day you were going to have tomorrow. Be good to yourself, because you deserve it. I love you all, stay happy, stay positive, and it is o.k. not to be o.k. sometimes.